Stories from the Fort
by PPP SSC
Summary: The Greil Mercenaries are snowed in, and tell stories to pass the time. Rated T for sexual themes and mild cursing. Italicized selections in Character Chapters are third-person intermittent parts. Chapters 1 and 13 are third-person completely.
1. Snowed in! The Assembly

Stories from the Fort

The snow was falling hard around the Greil Mercenaries fort, and pretty soon the door was blocked from the outside. "This is just perfect," Shinon muttered, shivering.

Rhys sneezed softly as Titania brought him some hot soup and wrapped him in a blanket. On the other side of the room, the three brothers were trying to share a blanket that was just big enough for Boyd OR Oscar and Rolf. Boyd pulled it away. "Get your own blanket!" he yelled.

Oscar pulled it back. "More like, YOU get your own blanket!" he said very uncharacteristically, but damn it, he was cold!

Mist and Mia were trying to build a fire which Gatrie kept hindering the progress of by stepping on the sticks.

Soren was so cold he could barely move and Ike was using his body as an impromptu coat, and though it helped some, the smaller specimen's plight was still there.

Gatrie mumbled, "I guess this means no dating for me."

Shinon shouted to the sky, "Why, goddess, must I be trapped in this fort with Pompous Commander Greil Wannabe and his emotionally drained boyfriend, Mister Overachiever and his brothers Whines-a-Lot and Clingy Kid, Goody-Goody Barfy Face, Girl-Crazy Idiot, Idealistic Know-It-All, Overrated Sister, and Mia?!"

Mia smiled, "Hey! He didn't insult me!"

Ike protested, while still tightly holding Soren, "We are NOT boyfriends!" The irony of this statement made Shinon roll his eyes. Ike noticed and said, "Well, we're not boyfriends unless you have a crush on Gatrie." Shinon stopped provoking them. Soren let out a quiet smile.

"Well, what should we do then?" Mia asked, "I have zero tolerance for boredom and I can't think of anything to do!"

Rhys piped up in his quiet voice, "We could tell stories."

"Tell stories?" Shinon asked and then laughed. "I KNOW most of them will be horrible."

Ike asked to clarify, "Horribly written or horrible nature of the content?"

Shinon gave Ike a weird look. "Horribly written. What 'horrible nature of content' stories have you been hearing?"

Ike didn't say anything, which was reinforced when he saw Soren's delicate smile.

Boyd said, "I'll go first!"

"We can go in alphabetical order!" Rhys said.

Titania frowned. Soren asked, "Do you want to cut me?"

"Nah," Titania said, "That wouldn't be fair."

"Damn it."


	2. Boyd: Three Trials

Boyd

Now, I have a story that'll knock your socks off!

So one time me and Oscar were going to the store and we ran into a creepy old man with a turban. He said to us, "Today we have a sale on fresh fish, but if you want to buy it then you must first pass three trials."

Oscar asked quizzically, "What are the three trials?"

The creepy old guy says, "First you must pass through the deep ravine blindfolded."

"The deep ravine?" said Oscar, but then he put on the most badass face he could muster and said, "Bring it on."

The creepy old guy put a blindfold on Oscar, not that it affected much since Oscar's vision is the only part of him that isn't perfect, but I swear, Oscar walked right through the deep ravine without falling and he maintained perfect balance the entire time.

Then the creepy old guy says, "The next trial is you must win a fight against my son." And all the time, I was thinking, you know, Oscar's the best knight in Crimea, and there's no way some shopkeeper's son could be a threat to him, but then out came his son. And he was HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE! I mean he was almost as big as Mist's butt!

_The story was interrupted when Mist smacked Boyd across the face._

"_Ow," Boyd protested, "What was that for?"_

_Mist, offended, said, "Don't pretend you don't know."_

AS I WAS SAYING… Oscar was intimidated at first, but he charged in headstrong and struck the son's lance with his own. They fenced for a few minutes and eventually Oscar perspired a little. I was worried about Oscar and I shouted, "It's okay, we don't need the fish anyway!" But Oscar took my protest as a sign of encouragement and hit the son squarely in the belly. I mean, dead center, with the blunt end of his spear.

The creepy old guy was starting to freak out. He stuttered, "Th-the third trial is you must win a battle of wits," and he pulled out a chessboard. And I would be exaggerating if I said that Oscar cleaned the board without losing a single piece—oh, wait, NO I wouldn't!

The creepy old guy then said, "Uh, funny story, you guys, you see, I never had any fresh fish."

Both me and Oscar beat him up.

_Oscar protested, "Only you beat him up, Boyd."_

_Boyd whined, "Aw, ruin the moment why don't you?"_


	3. Gatrie: The Hottest Girl Ever

Gatrie

Hee-hee. That's a good story, but it won't live up to mine!

So anyway, you know how I just ooze manliness and all that? Well one day, I ran into the hottest girl in the world. I mean she was just _hot!_

She had long flowing golden hair and she was almost as tall as me. Her mouth was such a pretty sight. And her skills with a knife nearly knocked me off my feet. I asked her if she had a boyfriend.

She said no. And it was about this time that ol' Gatrie's heart began to beat like a drum. I walked over to her and I touched her hand. She looked at me delicately, which is why I was so surprised when she slapped me in the face. It hurt.

I asked her why she did that and she said, "It's because I like girls."

And at that time, I didn't have any clue what she was talking about, and so my brain got this idea that we had so much in common! So then I started to follow her around. She kept turning around and glaring at me, in that way Shinon does, and if she had been Shinon, I would have known that she was mad at me, but since she was a girl, I thought that it meant she wanted me.

At least until she held a knife to my face and said, "If you don't leave me alone, I swear I'll kill you!" Then I knew she was mad at me. So then I decided to go home, but this _hottest girl ever _just _rejected _me, so I cried like a little school girl. I walked all the way home and Shinon laughed like he was _happy _I got rejected or something.

Then the girl followed me and said, "Hey, I'm sorry that I had to do that. But you weren't getting the point. Let me reinstate: I like girls."

Then some other hot girl came out of nowhere and I heard her say, "Hey, honey" and I was all "Oh!"

Then they got into some…


	4. Ike: River Water and Mud

Ike

That's enough! Now before Gatrie gives us any disgusting images, I'm going to distract you with my own story.

Soren and I were alone in a forest… now before you get any ideas, Shinon, we were nine years old at the time… and we were watching the frogs hop across the lily pads in the river.

I idly asked him, "Do you know why the frogs hop across the lily pads?"

I don't really remember what he said but whatever it was, I'm sure he was right. Then I suggested, "I wonder what would happen if a human hopped across the lily pads?" Keep in mind, we were nine years old, and I didn't know the word "beorc" yet.

"You wanna try?" he asked me.

And since we were nine, I was all, "Sure!"

So we both tried hopping across the lily pads. Unsurprisingly, we wound up soaking wet. I remember seeing a tadpole trying desperately to escape from the abyss that was Soren's hair. Soren had a lily pad on his head and he was laughing at me, so I can only assume I did too.

"_You did."_

But we were having so much fun, that we didn't notice Dad calling us in for dinner. When he finally found us, we were totally soaked from head to toe in river water, and covered in water plants. "Ike!" Dad scolded me, "How dare you pressure Soren into doing something like that?", like he expected it to be ME who came up with the idea. When I said it was Soren's idea, and Soren backed me up, Dad laughed his head off. Apparently it's only bad if it was my idea. Dad always worried about Soren because he's so tiny.

We were going to go back to dinner, but I found a mud puddle on the way back, and it was all too tempting to push Soren into the mud. I did, and his hair got all dirty. "Ike, you jerk!" he shouted at me, pulling me into the mud with him.

Dad came back thirty minutes later and scolded me again. I mean we were FILTHY! Remember those Begnion guys we were fighting in the Serenes forest? Yeah, well we were about as dirty as their shoes. I remember how Dad sighed as he put us in a washtub and poured water over us. Soren and I couldn't stop giggling though. We giggled until it was time for bed. As Dad put us in bed he asked, "How did you two get so hyperactive?"

I said, "Dad, you should just be thankful I can make Soren smile."

_Shinon pointed his finger at his mouth, stuck out his tongue, and made a gagging sound. "Mia, save me from this garbage!" he demanded._


	5. Mia: Raccoons and Swordsmen

Mia

No offense, boss, but your story was kind of… boring? And the only reason you and Soren liked it was because you were actually there. Now MY story is actually going to be GOOD! So I was wandering alone in the forest one day, when I found an acorn. I picked up the acorn thinking, "I wonder if I run into any rabid squirrels."

And that's right when a GIIIIIIIIIIANT raccoon showed up out of nowhere and growled in my face. He blew chunks of crap from between his teeth and his breath smelled like the outhouse after Boyd just ate Mist's Magical Meatloaf.

I said, "You seriously need to brush your teeth, dude."

The giant raccoon started chasing me. He was really slow. I mean slower than Rhys trying to carry Soren.

_Rhys blushed. Ike said, "Well then, I see an obvious solution." Shinon rolled his eyes._

But unfortunately I lost my footing, and I tripped over a root. The raccoon was about to kill me when out of nowhere came a man with a big long sword. He stood six feet four with long lime-green hair. He smiled at me and asked, "Are you okay, young lady?"

I said, "Yeah, I just kind of tripped."

And that's when I knew it was true love!—with his swordplay, I mean. He swung that blade right into the raccoon's head and killed it. Ike's good, but this guy was amazing.

_Soren kept rolling his eyes emphatically, hoping that Mia would shut up about how much better this creep was than Ike._

Hey! Soren! Stop that! So anyway, he asked me if I wanted to wander the sands with him, and I said, "No, sorry, but I work alone."

"As do I" was the last thing he said before he like. Literally. Vanished into thin air! I mean, I couldn't even see his footsteps in the dirt. I looked at my reflection in a nearby pond and saw that I had gotten a little bit of blood on my face from when I was attacked by the raccoon. I wiped it off and back I went into the forest. But little did I know that I would run into ANOTHER giant raccoon! This time I took him down literally with my bare hands, and then I was less impressed by the mysterious disappearing man.

The man came back suddenly and said, "You have gained much strength since I last saw you." I screamed.

I said, "You last saw me five minutes ago! And where did you come from? Who the hell are you!?"

He said, "Oh. I must have made a mistake," and disappeared again. Then I saw Heather and Ilyana making out and I was all like, "What the hell?"

_Ike groaned._


	6. Mist: The Kumquat Incident

Mist

Mia! Ike went to all that trouble so we wouldn't have to hear that! Now this is a story I'm sure Shinon will love!

_Mist was promptly interrupted by Ike and Soren. Ike said, "Mist, you are not allowed to tell about the Kumquat Incident."_

"_I'll never live that one down," Soren said, his face turning bright red._

_Shinon said, "The Kumquat Incident? Now I'm really curious!"_

Ike, the audience wants to hear the juice. The kumquat juice, I should say. You and Soren are just going to have to grin and bear it. It's just payback for what Mia did to the rest of us.

So anyway, the kumquat incident happened a while back. Ike and Soren were in their room, giggling like little kids. I heard them and I came in the room. I saw Ike putting a kumquat in Soren's mouth.

"Umm…" Ike said, "I can explain."

My brother's mouth was covered in kumquat juice too. Actually it was all over both of their clothes too. And their shoes were on the floor. The _bottoms of their feet _were covered in kumquat juice.

"We found kumquats," Soren said.

I fumed. "And you two weren't planning on sharing any with me?"

"Well, we didn't think you would enjoy sharing it the way we were," Ike said, in such a way that Soren's face turned bright red but I don't know what it was about.

I found the pile of kumquats on Soren's bed and started eating them.

Ike and Soren both blushed when I was eating them. I don't know why.

"Mist!" Soren yelled.

I stopped because I assumed that the kumquats must only be Ike and Soren's, and I said, "What were you guys doing anyway?"

Ike didn't respond. He just said, "Don't tell the others."

But now I went and told you. So haha!

_Shinon said, "Okay, you guys, seriously? What did you two do that was so horrible? Have…?"_

"_A food fight!" Ike yelled hurriedly. "Yeah, we were putting kumquats in each other's mouths, then spitting them at each other."_

_Shinon didn't say more… for Rolf's sake._


	7. Oscar: Pancake Time

Oscar

Mist, that was downright uncalled for. They asked you to do one simple thing and you…

"_I told you she was the devil," Boyd whined, as his brother sat exasperated at how annoying the two youths were being._

"_I'm sorry, Oscar," Mist said, "I promise I won't do it again."_

"_Your promises mean nothing!" shouted a teary-eyed Soren._

I'm going to tell a story that I'm sure won't offend Ike or Soren. A Kieran story!

It was my turn to make the pancakes for the twelfth regiment, and as usual, they all cheered (although I never understood why.) But unfortunately, I was out of buttermilk. I told my regiment buddies, "I need to go to town to buy some more buttermilk."

"No, no, no, no!" shouted my friend at the time, Malecai, "I'll go! You stay here!"

I wanted to protest but before I knew it Malecai was gone. While I was waiting, Kieran came up to me and asked, "What are you doing?"

I answered, "Nothing."

Kieran flared up. "Well I'll put a stop to that!" he said, readying his axe.

"Kieran," I said while sidestepping his attack, inadvertently causing him to fall on his face, "I'm waiting for Malecai to come back with buttermilk."

He eyed me suspiciously. "Buttermilk?" he asked, "What would you want with such a disgusting liquid? Unless… you had a secret plan to dump it on my head!"

"Kieran…" I groaned.

"What? I only came to the most logical conclusion I could!" he protested. Somehow, that didn't surprise me.

"For your information, Kieran," I said, "It's my turn to make pancakes for my regiment."

"OH!" yells Kieran, "The twelfth regiment gets pancakes! Why doesn't the fifth platoon get pancakes!? I know! You bribed General Geoffrey didn't you? Oscar, you sly fox!"

"Uh… no, the pancakes are voluntarily maintained by the members of the regiment, and once my kid brother but…"

_Boyd whined, "Oh, no, Oscar, please don't."_

Oh, sorry, Boyd. Anyway after I was done talking to Kieran, he said triumphantly, "Well I can make pancakes too!"

He showed me and I was surprised how adept he was with his batter. At least until he started swinging his axe around. "Uhh…Kieran?" I asked incredulously, "How is this relevant to making pancakes?"

He told me to shut up and threw a bag of flour in my face. Well, I ended up looking like Soren after that teeth-whitening spell horribly backfired.

"_I can't believe I said 'otih' instead of 'ah'. I knew what would happen if I made such a grievous error," Soren said while blushing, "But honestly, you guys are all strangely good with simile."_

_Shinon laughed, "You're just lucky you're anemic. If BOYD had done that he'd be screwed over!"_

So anyway, Kieran and I were soon covered in flour, eggs, and sugar. And this was all before the buttermilk came back to us. When Malecai came back he said "What have you two been doing?"

I said, "I was just babysitting one of the guys from the fifth platoon."


	8. Rhys: The Crazy Berries

Rhys

Haha. That's delightful! Yes, Kieran is always a handful isn't he? This is a story about Titania.

_Titania frowned. "Not the one about the crazy berries, Rhys, anything but that one…"_

"_But it's funny!" he said, trying to stifle a giggle._

"_But it's… embarrassing…" she said while blushing._

_Soren coughed, "Kumquat Incident."_

_Gatrie said, "Yeah, and what about my rejection story?"_

"_Well, okay…" Titania eventually caved._

One day we were walking along a shoreline, when I picked up a cockleshell. It was glistening in the morning sun. The waves were pushing saltwater at my feet. Titania looked beautiful in the sunlight, with her hair glowing the color of ripe cherries… Boyd, there is really no need to get jealous, this is the way I tell stories.

"_Yeah," Boyd said, "Tell that to Titania…"_

She looked at me and she said to me, "We should head back soon."

And unfortunately, it was too late by the time that she said that because I fell face down in the sand. "RHYS! RHYS!" I remember hearing her say. Then a creepy guy showed up and said that he had a cure for my exhaustion.

"These berries," he said, "possess rare magical healing properties that will cure your ailments. But do not feed them to a healthy person, or they will go MAD!"

I tried the berries. They were the most disgusting berries in the world, but apparently my face didn't sway Titania any, because after I turned my head around for a second she was eating a whole _handful _of berries.

"_Wow, Titania! Way to listen!" Soren remarked sarcastically._

_Titania sighed, "I did have a reason for wanting Rhys not to tell this one."_

"What are you doing!?" I asked, "You heard what the man said!"

"It's just natural curiosity toward the un-un-un-un," she said and then she started laughing like I did that one time Shinon said "Poopy nappie".

_Shinon said, "NEVER bring that up AGAIN!"_

Then she started… swinging…from the tree with her hair, and I can't tell this story anymore-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Rolf, it's your turn!


	9. Rolf: Boyd Finds a Spell Book

Rolf

This is a story that I know Boyd doesn't want me to tell, but I will anyway. So one day we were all alone in the fort. Commander Greil, Ike, Mist, and Soren had gone to the farmers' market; Shinon and Gatrie were out practicing; Titania had taken Rhys to a nearby doctor; and Oscar had gone to the joust tournament for a prize… if I recall correctly, it was a life-sized porcelain statue of Lord Renning… which Boyd broke as soon as we got it.

So anyway we were all alone. And Boyd and I wanted to play around. Boyd found one of Soren's spell books lying on the ground, and he said, "You wanna try it?"

"I dunno," I said, "I think those are pretty hard to use…"

But Boyd was certain of this. He couldn't read the ancient language. So he just spouted random syllables. But whatever they were, he turned into a large green dog."

"_That would be 'iasadukettukust ow uni anirodim etukikoo in ukob'" Soren said without having to look anything up, and Ike was terrified the same thing was about to happen to Soren. "Relax, Ike, I toned my skills using the word 'ihsataw', so saying the standard, 'ukob' is not going to hurt me."_

And I said, "Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!" trying to get Boyd back to normal. But I didn't know how. So I just picked up Rhys' staff and tried to get Boyd to turn back into a human. Boyd wasn't a laguz-like dog or anything. He was just a large green dog. And he barked at me and licked my face. I waved the staff in his face but all that happened was I made Boyd's paws less calloused. I said, "How the heck can these guys use these things?"`

Boyd looked up at me and licked my face again. I was so scared that Oscar would be really really mad at me when he got back even though it was Boyd's fault, that I hid Boyd in the pantry, not remembering Commander and family had gone grocery shopping. Suddenly I heard a whimper from the pantry. "No, Boyd, I can't let you out or Oscar will be really really mad at me."

Suddenly I heard the commander come in. "Ike, help me carry these spices in…" Commander Greil said.

"It's okay, I'll do it," responded an even softer voice, which could only have been Soren.

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! And I thought _Oscar _would be really mad at me!!" I said by accident, but I was panicked.

"What would Oscar be really mad about?" Soren asked suspiciously. "What did you do?"

"Uhh…" I said, trying to cover the entrance to the pantry.

"Excuse me," he said in the most annoyed way possible.

"No, you can't go through." I said, and I was sure I'd keep him out when Boyd started thumping on the other side of the door.

"Did you lock Boyd in the pantry!?" he asked, obviously mad at me. He was done with etiquette now. "Move, Rolf."

I didn't, and he shoved me over and opened the pantry door and saw the state Boyd was in. He didn't yell at me, but he just stood there with his jaw dropped for a few minutes and then he burst out laughing. He recited something that brought Boyd back to normal.

"You won't tell Oscar, will you?" I asked.

"Of course not," he said before turning to Boyd, "And you! Don't… touch… my… things!"

"Wow," Boyd said, "Soren sure doesn't have much patience."


	10. Shinon: You're Pretty

Shinon

Now here's a story that is actually worth listening to for once. It was one time we were on the battlefield. Ike and Soren had gone over to make out again.

"_I told you we're not together!" Ike said, blushing to the color of a beet._

"_We have never kissed on the battlefield," Soren said honestly, "You ever wonder why the enemies always seem to disappear? Yeah, we killed them with the radiance of our passionate kisses."_

Whatever you say guys. Anyway, there was an enemy archer next to me and we got into a fight. Not the kind of fight you generally get into on the battlefield, but a heated argument. It all started when he said, "Hey, wench, love that hair!"

I assumed he was talking to Titania. I wasn't proven wrong when he said, "And I love its red color". However, I _was _proven wrong when he _grabbed my ass._

_Soren tried to stifle some laughter. "I bet you let him have it for that didn't you?"_

Oh, you bet I did. I readied my arrow to shoot right through his dense skull, and that I did. I shot an arrow right through his dense skull, and I asked him, as he lay dying, "Do I look like a woman to you?"

"Yes," the stupid archer replied, "And a very pretty one at that."

_Mia was laughing uncontrollably at this point to the point where she was rolling around on the floor and Rhys had to catch her before she bumped her head on the hardwood floor._

I asked again, this time pressing my boot into his shirt, "Do I look like a woman to you?"

"Yes…" he gasped, as he was bleeding through the top of his head and struggling to breathe over my crushing foot. "You are the most beautiful woman in all of Crimea."

"Say that again…" I said, now pushing another arrow into his neck.

"Yes! You are beautiful!" he shouted as he died. Well the moral of the story is don't ever call me a girl or I'll kill you.

"_Or, alternatively, never grab Shinon's ass or he'll kill you…" Ike offered. "And never grab Soren's ass or _I'll_ kill you._

You are only hurting your case at this point, Ike.


	11. Soren: That's My Diary

Soren

Shinon, you are SO immature! And as for the rest of you… sexual harassment is NOT funny!

_Shinon said, "Uh, yeah, it is. Because I won."_

You know I really expected better from _you,_ Ike.

_Ike didn't respond._

Now I'm going to recount a story from my leave with the other mercenary group. Listen up: if you ever run into a mercenary named Mikhael, he is not to be trusted.

When I was getting acquainted to the mercenary company, Mikhael was the only one who wanted to show me the ropes. He took me around; showing me the library, my quarters—where I spent many a lonely evening not being able to converse with Ike—and the kitchen, where the food almost always smelled like Rolf's feet and never looked any better than Shinon's face. It made me miss Oscar, and I don't even eat… very much.

But Mikhael did have a dark side, I found out when I caught him reading my diary. I was keeping some of my milder secrets in there just in case something like this happened, but I was still annoyed. He asked me, "Who is _'he'_? The one you described as 'well-toned and impeccably rugged'?"

"You don't know him," I responded, as I snatched my diary away from him.

He asked me a very rude and intrusive question that I will not repeat for the sake of Rolf. I slapped him in the face, but… well you all know how I fare in hand-to-hand combat. He slapped me back and I fell to the ground. I bruised my flimsy body when it made impact. And he took my diary right out of my hands. I struggled to retrieve it but my efforts were in vain. I really didn't want him to read the last page. The one that confessed my undying love—and I _know_ all of you can see through Ike's transparent closet!

"_But I'm not… THAT transparent…" Ike protested, but it was futile. Soren had confessed and there was nothing now that could be done._

But, to my dismay, he had turned to that page. "Ooh…" he said, "My dear angelic hero, Ike, I cannot tell you how I feel. I know that I am not good enough for you. My only wish is to steal a kiss from your masculine lips, making me vulnerable to your desires…"

_Shinon made an excessively loud gagging sound and said, "Sappy mush". Ike quickly pecked Soren on the mouth and then went back to what he was doing. Soren was nearly too flustered to resume his story._

Uhh…well, anyway, Mikhael started making embarrassing kissing noises and he took a piece of parchment and a quill from the library and started drawing. I noticed that he had drawn a sickly looking praying mantis with sharp claws. "This is your boyfriend," he said to me shoving it in my face.

_Soren turned around to find Ike drawing a picture of an extremely buff praying mantis. Ike said, "More like, this is your boyfriend." Soren found it difficult to stifle his laughter._

_Shinon said, "I didn't know Soren was dating Boyd now. What did you do?"_

"_No," Ike said, "That's me. Boyd is an extremely buff _stag beetle. _The praying mantis is reserved for me."_

You guys are being really weird! Titania, perhaps I should cut my story short before these guys get any further.


	12. Titania: Les Interruptions

Titania

What is it with weak men and not finishing stories? Now I'm sure you are all pleased that I saved the best for last! This is a story about Commander Greil…and…me.

_Ike groaned again._

_Mist snapped, "Ike, that's rude! Don't insult a story about our father."_

Now as you all know Greil was the most amazing man in the world…

"_Objection!" Soren shouted, "_Ike_ is the most amazing man in the world!"_

_Titania began to argue with Soren, when Boyd intervened, "You're both wrong. _Oscar_ is the most amazing man in the world!"_

_Rolf added his two cents, "No, it's Shinon, and that's final!"_

"_I don't think they all know, Titania…" Ike said, smiling that he was holding his own in this competition._

Well, as all of you except Soren, Boyd, and Rolf who are all INCREDIBLY BIASED know, Greil was the most amazing man in the world.

"_Like you aren't?" Soren objected again, "Don't even TRY to pretend. 'Most amazing man in the world' is a 100% subjective statement, and you are being extremely dogmatic. If anyone has a right to be dogmatic it's me because Ike says I'm always right!"_

"_Of course he does!" Boyd says, "YOU think HE'S the most amazing man in the world! Even though it's obviously Oscar."_

"_Well remind me of that when Oscar saves my life…" Soren said rolling his eyes._

Soren, if you don't shut the hell up I'll put an axe in your back, and…

"_Be fired immediately?" Ike interrupted._

Fine, Ike. I THINK Commander Greil was the most amazing man in the world… and now, I don't even remember what my story was going to be about! Thank you so much Soren! And Boyd and Rolf, too, but to a lesser extent. Fine, I guess I'll just tell a different story. Well one time Boyd said that I was like a really nice mom and I got mad at him…

"_Wow, you really do get mad at compliments. Shinon, I'm sorry I doubted you. Here's the gold I owe you," Soren said while handing Shinon a satchel of gold._

"_Thanks, half-pint," he replied._

SOREN! STOP INTERRUPTING ME!

"_Come on, Soren… you really should stop chatting…but usually you're so quiet I'm tempted to let you keep doing it…" Ike said._

"_Okay, I'll stop."_

I WAS GOING TO SAY, but then I realized that he meant it as a compliment and decided to simmer down.

"_Titania, did you notice your stories are as dull as hell?" asked Shinon._

"_Wasn't me this time, but you know I was thinking it."_

ARGH! I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAT RESPECTFULLY THROUGH ALL YOUR CHEESY LOVE STORIES AND AWKWARD MOMENTS AND CHILDHOOD ANECDOTES AND GIANT RACCOONS AND OSCAR BEING AMAZING JUST SO I COULDN'T TELL MY STORY! I am going LAST! You guys all went BEFORE me! I KNOW that the stories get boring after a while, but I should still be allowed to GO!

_Titania went on a rampage, which not even the serenity of Rhys could stop._


	13. Finale: Sunlight

Titania smacked Soren to the ground.

Soren screamed, "Ow!" and then yelled, "You can't blame me that you went last! I offered my spot to you. _I offered my spot. You rejected it._" Soren didn't realize that he had started to cry.

Ike lifted him off the ground and examined his bruise. "Titania, that was uncalled for. Soren is thirty pounds lighter than you AND anemic. You can't just smack him around for being annoying."

"This is favoritism, Ike!" she yelled.

"Okay, how would you like it if Oscar pushed Rhys over?" Ike yelled.

Oscar looked somber. "I would never do that. It's bullying."

"See? I told you Oscar was perfect!" Boyd shouted, "And if Titania had just believed that, none of this would've happened.

"Attacking a lady, Titania?" Shinon asked, "What happened to chivalry?"

"You calling me a lady is no better than that enemy calling you a lady, you hypocrite!" Soren shouted readying his wind tome.

"_Ezak!" _he shouted as the magic flew out onto the blue armor of Gatrie, the blond knight standing in front of the cowering sniper.

"That's not nice, Soren," Gatrie scolded.

Rhys rushed around trying to heal his rambunctious roommates who had all but killed each other in the duration of _fifteen seconds. _Luckily, Mia knew the answer. She looked out the window, and saw green grass growing under the brightly shining sun.

"Hey, guys, the snow melted!" she exclaimed. The ten others rushed to the window to see.

"What do you know?" Boyd asked, "The snow DID melt. Well, Mist and I are going to go play catch now."

"Shinon, do you want to go the beach with me?" Gatrie asked.

"Well, okay," the sniper ceded, "But I'll blame you if I turn as red as a tomato."

Titania and Rhys sat in the corner, as the woman fed her special one more soup.

"This soup is too hot!" Rhys complained, "I want iced tea."

"Not Commander Greil's tea, right?"

"Right."

Mia said, "Well Oscar, Rolf, what do you boys want to do?"

"Well, we were just going to ask Ike and Soren to come outside and play with us…"

"No," Mia said, "We've been cooped up here for too long with each other. They need some alone time."

Ike blushed at the mention. As the last three people left the fort, and with Titania and Rhys in the other room, Ike said, "I can't believe you confessed. It's not like you to expose secrets, even to me, without pressure."

"Yeah, well, we were having so much fun, as a family that I… I…" Soren trailed off and Ike could tell he was starting to cry.

Ike smiled at him. "This has always been your home. And we all love each other, even if some of us refuse to admit it."

"Yeah," Soren said, smiling. "I couldn't cheat them out of a good story because of my seclusion."

Ike and Soren hugged in a friendly, non-suggestive manner very much unlike the one they would share two years later. Ike let go suddenly. "But what about the Kumquat Incident?"

"No one knows what REALLY happened. Mist's story was so well-censored."

"And I'd prefer we keep it that way."

The End

Author's Note: "Poopy Nappy", unfortunately, was from something I made up orally over three years ago, and so we will not see it in a story. However, I _am_ planning to rewrite the script about Greil's tea in prose form and post it. If you liked this fic, you'll probably enjoy that one too.

Do NOT write an explicit yaoi story based on the Kumquat Incident. PLEASE.


End file.
